A Very Schism Thanksgiving

To all that celebrate this holiday and even to those who don't (but use it as an excuse to get free food and beer) a very Happy Thanksgiving from me to you!

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do for this Thanksgiving, but I ultimately decided to go the easy route and just name off a few games or game series that I played that I'm thankful to have played that got me started on the road to being a NE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RD. Sorry, I've gotten used to hearing that being said like that, so now I have to even type it as such...I don't know why. Anyway...as such, this is my list of games from different genres that I'm thankful for having played.

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Street Fighter II

(Fighting)

Ah, nothing says "thank you" like video games characters beating the shit out of each other and players raging whenever someone has discovered a new series of combos that just get cheaper and cheaper each time you play. I remember seeing a Street Fighter II arcade cabinet over at the local hamburger joint at around the early 1990's, putting in a coin and being sent home to be a family man by Guile...well, family kid since I was about 7 or 8 at the time. Since then I have grown to appreciate playing the fighting genre, no matter how often it leaves me throwing my controller out the window and forcing me to retrieve it every time I lose. While I have my problems with Capcom and their shady business decisions, I honestly think they still do good work when it comes to making their fighter games feel unique in a lot of ways. However, if you'd ask me which game company I'd follow when it comes to fighters, I'd have to go with Aksys Games who have made it big in the fighting genre with such titles as Guilty Gear, Blaz Blue and Persona 4 Arena.

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 Legend of Zelda

(Action/Adventure)

I remember spending so much time on this game when I was a kid; hell I even had my grandfather, a wood carver, craft me a shield and a sword, that's how much I loved this game. As a kid, I viewed Link as the prototypical hero: get cool swords/shields/magic/items, slay the big bad, rescue the princess and live happily ever after. To this day, I'm still trying to devise a time machine to go back in time to kick my younger self in the ass, but until that happens, I'm stuck with the shame of forever being a NE~~~~~~~~~~~~~RD. But to me that's what this game was all about: the gateway to something far greater from the video game world. From here, seeing the adventure that I could take was no longer set into stone (from the limited days of the Commodore 64 and the Atari), but was almost seemingly infinite, it just made my imagination soar as to what game companies could think of next. Which is why I'm always thankful for having played the original Zelda; to this day, I still think the Zelda series remains one of the best Action/Adventure game series out there. Of course, there are games like Devil May Cry, Dante's Inferno, Rygar the Legendary Adventure, and so on, but I don't think they ever quite capture the simplicity of it all.

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Metroid

(Platformer)

Now before you get on me about me not picking Mario or Castlevania, just hear me out: I love all of the damn good platformers that you can think of! Kirby, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, Rygar, Contra, Blaster Master, and the list goes on and on and on and on! Don't stop believin'! Hold on to the feelin'!...Whoa, sorry about that folks, had a musical interlude there for a minute. Anyway, it ultimately boiled down to which game I thought had not only all of the elements that modern platformers seem to take after, but also balances of all of its elements with finesse; Metroid was that game. I got lost many times trying to figure this entire game out, but when I finally beat it fair and square, I felt like I was truly a man...only to find out the character I was playing was a woman (thank you Justin Bailey ------ ------)...but no matter what, it was all worth it in the end and left me thankful for having played such a revolutionary game. However, I've got mixed feelings on the modern day Metroid series, but Mario and Kirby continue to somehow remain classic platformers in the modern day age. As for Castlevania series...well...like the original Metroid, its series has left me wondering a very serious question: "WHAT IS A MAN!?"

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 Dragon Warrior/Dragon Quest

(Role Playing Game)

Ah, yes...scream more for me, my children, I feed upon your suffering as you scream about "Final Fantasy". But honestly, much like the platformer genre, I love all old school RPGs: Faxanadu, Elder Scrolls, Final Fantasy, Ultima, Quest for Glory, Bard's Tale, Challenge of the Five Realms, and so forth. What I believe sets Dragon Warrior (Dragon Quest for the Japanese/modern day release) apart from the rest is the fact that you're actually on an adventure that's guided only by your desire to explore the land, searching for a way to save a princess and to slay an evil dragon lord. Unless you bought a copy of Nintendo Power, you were almost always lost and trying to search towns in order to see who needs what and where to go next, or searching around those towns to find a nearby dungeon to find the magic treasure hidden within. But that was part of the fun of the game, just exploring to see where your journey takes you next. If I had to explain it by comparing it to a modern day concept, think of the Elder Scrolls: Oblivion or Skyrim made on an NES platform. I'll be straight though, I think modern day Square-Enix is terrible at making RPGs, but I would recommend picking up the modern Elder Scrolls series or the Fallout series.

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Harvest Moon

(Simulator)

Okay, I'll admit, this genre is a guilty pleasure; but can you really blame me? Put down those pitchforks and torches right now, or I'll put you all in time out! But seriously, the idea of Harvest Moon is quite brilliant: I don't think anyone can argue against the fact that it's highly addicting to just tend a field, forage supplies, harvest crops, date/marry a woman, raise a kid and care for animals. It's part of the entire reason why I included this game and genre as part of my Thanksgiving list, a good game doesn't need to be complex or elaborate, sometimes it just needs to be something simple but done in a fun way. With a few exceptions, Natsume has continued to impress me with their farming simulator games, like their most recent Harvest Moon-spinoff series: Rune Factory. That's not to say there aren't other games like this, such as Shepard's Crossing, but nothing really left a lasting impact with me as much as this game did.

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Now, I could go on forever talking about the many different genres out there and my personal favorites within them, but I just wanted to give you guys and gals a glimpse into the past. It makes you want to look at how far we've come in just a few short decades and ponder about where will we go from here, doesn't it? For now though, let's just shut up, stuff our mouths full of food, get drunk and maybe get some gaming in...maybe not all in that order. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This is the Schism, signing out!

[Movie - The Spoiling] Silent Hill Revelations 3D

Okay, so now is the time I rip and riff the shit out of this movie from beginning to end.

"But, Schism!" you say, "Video game adapted movies are always bad! Why is this so surprising?" No, it's not that it's surprising me that a video game adapted movie (VGaM) sucks ass; trust me, I stopped believing in them long before Mortal Kombat: Anal-hilation. What does surprise me is that they are still being made. Why? Well, it's a really easy answer: they still make money for Hollywood thanks to the audiences who think the movie is actually going to be good. Which brings me to my question: Why are people still wanting to watch this? I've got an excuse: I go in there wanting to review it. Who thinks this movie is actually going to be good?

With that out the way, let's get down to business:

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The movie opens with Heather Mason (Adelaide Clemens) being pursued through Lakeside Amusement Park, a famous landmark within the town of Silent Hill. We get some weird scenes that make no sense and are just an excuse to clumsily foreshadow an event later on in the movie. NEXT SCENE!

Heather wakes up from her nightmare, finds herself in her own bed, when suddenly her dad enters into the room. Harry Mason/Christopher Da Silva (Sean Bean) talks to her for a bit in a few different accents to get her to calm down, before he is sliced in half by a monster...what? Sean Bean has to die in every single movie he's in...right? Anyway, Heather wakes up again and writes her dreams into her diary, then goes down to breakfast. Her father has unlocked the Heather Mason (Silent Hill 3) outfit for her as a gift and then gets very incestuously close to his daughter before he sends her off to her new school. Harry sees Heather's diary and rips out the pages, then puts it into a box with the Halo of the Sun on it. Huh...that almost meant something...NEXT!

Heather meets up with Douglas Cartland (Martin Donovan) at the bus stop, he acts like his game counterpart...including the digitized acting. At school, when asked by a teacher to talk about herself at school, Heather gives a monologue that would have sounded better had they been said in the vacuum of space, where all true logic resides. Of course, the teacher seems to agree with me, since she ignores her monologue and asks Vincent "I am the love interest of Heather Mason" Cooper (Kit Harington) about himself, but he makes a witty comment about Heather's monologue. Scene of Heather in the hallway, Silent Hill transformation, blah blah, Vincent wakes her up from the dream, she runs away, she sees Douglas again and then calls her dad. He tells her to meet up with him at the Central Square Shopping Center, from the beginning of Silent Hill 3, because we need to remind the audience that they're watching a "Silent Hill" movie and not the movie "Taken". Harry gets captured, so after waiting for her dad for hours, Heather ends up meeting up with Douglas instead. He reveals, Heather is Sharon and she is being chased by the Order from the first movie...who are all supposedly dead from the events of the first movie! Then he's killed by a Missionary monster in front of Heather, but she escapes and meets up with Vincent. Heather talks crazily about her dreams and her worry for her dad, but that's all good, because random contrived love interest sparks out of nowhere and they begin to grow feelings for each other. Aw, it almost makes you forget about the fact that your father maybe hurt or worse and the fact you just saw some guy get killed by a monster, doesn't it? Don't think about it! Quick! Bring in the next scene!

They arrive at her house, Heather goes in and finds a message written in blood, acts like she's from the original Resident Evil game for a while and then finds the box with the Halo of the Sun on it. SEE! It meant something! Never mind the fact that it makes no sense that Harry would have a box with the apparent seal of the Order on it, except to connect the dots between the blood message and the box. Anyway, Heather gets the Seal of Metatron item and the Handgun weapon *Silent Hill "item received" sound*! She and Vincent head to Silent Hill, because Heather's sort of an idiot like that. On their way there, they stop at the motel from probably another Silent Hill game, but I care not at the slightest, because it's just a reference and nothing more. Vincent reveals he's a child of the Order and that he's been tasked to bring Alessa/Heather back to Silent Hill, but now that he loves her, he begs her not to go. Heather is still being stupid, so the Otherworld takes effect and Vincent is captured, Heather decides to go to Silent Hill...again. Heather arrives in Silent Hill, meets Dahlia Gillespie (Deborah Kara Unger), who is Alessa's mother. Good! Another Silent Hill reference! We're really "revealing" things now, right?...Wait... Anyway, Heather goes into the Silent Hill movie studio's warehouse, where the shittiest special effects monster kills one girl and then chases her and another random minor character. Did you know that "nothing ever x-plained today" spells NEXT!?

Heather finds herself at Brookhaven Asylum, where she meets Leonard Wolfe (Malcolm McDowell), who is on screen for 5 minutes, takes her Seal of Metatron, combines it with his own inside himself, and then he is killed by CGI...er...I mean he transforms into a shitty CGI monster, but then is killed by Heather taking out both pieces of the Seal of Metatron. Wow! How pointless! She sees Pyramid Head, then finds and frees Vincent from a bunch of nurse demons. They escape to the Lakeside Amusement Park, where Vincent decides to be randomly noble and sacrifice himself to save Heather...which ends up being pointless because Heather is discovered as fast as anyone playing through Metal Gear Solid their first time (!). She runs to the merry go round and it catches on fire like it did in her dream. Oh, didn't I tell you about that? Well no matter, it was pointlessly foreshadowed anyway. She meets her dark half, Alessa, and destroys her with the power of love by hugging her as Pyramid Head watches from the merry go round's middle section as they descend into a plot hole. !TXEN

Heather finds Claudia Wolfe (Carrie-Anne Moss), who is the current leader of the Order, the sister to Christabella from the first Silent Hill film, daughter of Leonard Wolfe and the mother of Vincent Cooper. Along with Claudia, she finds her father and Vincent, who are both restrained. Claudia gives some speech of birth of a god and other things seeming to be related to, but not at all relating to, Silent Hill. Heather gives a one liner and hands her the Seal of Megatron...whoops...I mean, Metatron, and Claudia transforms into the Missionary monster from the beginning of the movie that killed Douglas. Why? How? These are questions that would leave even Batman scratching his head. Then Pyramid Head shows up and fights the Claudia-Missionary monster, because Pyramid Head is a good guy! Why not!? Pyramid Head wins, flawless victory! The three confused humans go up to the surface because we don't want the audience questioning anything after that CGI battle of epic proportions, which puts the polar bear fight from the Golden Compass to shame...tch, hah! Anyway, Harry/Chris decides to stay in the town to look for his wife Rose (remember her from the first movie?) while Vincent and Heather decide to go home, because they need a happy ending. As they exit town, they're picked up by Travis Grady (who cares?...okay, fine...Peter Outerbridge), from Silent Hill Origins, and they bypass a police convoy heading to the town, which is a Silent Hill Downpour reference.

The End!

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Now I'll be fair, I have read about the hardships the movie suffered with the original Silent Hill movie's director and the writer leaving the project, which forced the director of the sequel (Michael J. Bassett) to write and direct the sequel himself. But, here's where I won't be as merciful: if you don't know what you're doing, then either hire someone who does or don't make your stupid movie.