Okay, so now is the time I rip and riff the shit out of this movie from beginning to end.
"But, Schism!" you say, "Video game adapted movies are always bad! Why is this so surprising?" No, it's not that it's surprising me that a video game adapted movie (VGaM) sucks ass; trust me, I stopped believing in them long before Mortal Kombat: Anal-hilation. What does surprise me is that they are still being made. Why? Well, it's a really easy answer: they still make money for Hollywood thanks to the audiences who think the movie is actually going to be good. Which brings me to my question: Why are people still wanting to watch this? I've got an excuse: I go in there wanting to review it. Who thinks this movie is actually going to be good?
With that out the way, let's get down to business:
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The movie opens with Heather Mason (Adelaide Clemens) being pursued through Lakeside Amusement Park, a famous landmark within the town of Silent Hill. We get some weird scenes that make no sense and are just an excuse to clumsily foreshadow an event later on in the movie. NEXT SCENE!
Heather wakes up from her nightmare, finds herself in her own bed, when suddenly her dad enters into the room. Harry Mason/Christopher Da Silva (Sean Bean) talks to her for a bit in a few different accents to get her to calm down, before he is sliced in half by a monster...what? Sean Bean has to die in every single movie he's in...right? Anyway, Heather wakes up again and writes her dreams into her diary, then goes down to breakfast. Her father has unlocked the Heather Mason (Silent Hill 3) outfit for her as a gift and then gets very incestuously close to his daughter before he sends her off to her new school. Harry sees Heather's diary and rips out the pages, then puts it into a box with the Halo of the Sun on it. Huh...that almost meant something...NEXT!
Heather meets up with Douglas Cartland (Martin Donovan) at the bus stop, he acts like his game counterpart...including the digitized acting. At school, when asked by a teacher to talk about herself at school, Heather gives a monologue that would have sounded better had they been said in the vacuum of space, where all true logic resides. Of course, the teacher seems to agree with me, since she ignores her monologue and asks Vincent "I am the love interest of Heather Mason" Cooper (Kit Harington) about himself, but he makes a witty comment about Heather's monologue. Scene of Heather in the hallway, Silent Hill transformation, blah blah, Vincent wakes her up from the dream, she runs away, she sees Douglas again and then calls her dad. He tells her to meet up with him at the Central Square Shopping Center, from the beginning of Silent Hill 3, because we need to remind the audience that they're watching a "Silent Hill" movie and not the movie "Taken". Harry gets captured, so after waiting for her dad for hours, Heather ends up meeting up with Douglas instead. He reveals, Heather is Sharon and she is being chased by the Order from the first movie...who are all supposedly dead from the events of the first movie! Then he's killed by a Missionary monster in front of Heather, but she escapes and meets up with Vincent. Heather talks crazily about her dreams and her worry for her dad, but that's all good, because random contrived love interest sparks out of nowhere and they begin to grow feelings for each other. Aw, it almost makes you forget about the fact that your father maybe hurt or worse and the fact you just saw some guy get killed by a monster, doesn't it? Don't think about it! Quick! Bring in the next scene!
They arrive at her house, Heather goes in and finds a message written in blood, acts like she's from the original Resident Evil game for a while and then finds the box with the Halo of the Sun on it. SEE! It meant something! Never mind the fact that it makes no sense that Harry would have a box with the apparent seal of the Order on it, except to connect the dots between the blood message and the box. Anyway, Heather gets the Seal of Metatron item and the Handgun weapon *Silent Hill "item received" sound*! She and Vincent head to Silent Hill, because Heather's sort of an idiot like that. On their way there, they stop at the motel from probably another Silent Hill game, but I care not at the slightest, because it's just a reference and nothing more. Vincent reveals he's a child of the Order and that he's been tasked to bring Alessa/Heather back to Silent Hill, but now that he loves her, he begs her not to go. Heather is still being stupid, so the Otherworld takes effect and Vincent is captured, Heather decides to go to Silent Hill...again. Heather arrives in Silent Hill, meets Dahlia Gillespie (Deborah Kara Unger), who is Alessa's mother. Good! Another Silent Hill reference! We're really "revealing" things now, right?...Wait... Anyway, Heather goes into the Silent Hill movie studio's warehouse, where the shittiest special effects monster kills one girl and then chases her and another random minor character. Did you know that "nothing ever x-plained today" spells NEXT!?
Heather finds herself at Brookhaven Asylum, where she meets Leonard Wolfe (Malcolm McDowell), who is on screen for 5 minutes, takes her Seal of Metatron, combines it with his own inside himself, and then he is killed by CGI...er...I mean he transforms into a shitty CGI monster, but then is killed by Heather taking out both pieces of the Seal of Metatron. Wow! How pointless! She sees Pyramid Head, then finds and frees Vincent from a bunch of nurse demons. They escape to the Lakeside Amusement Park, where Vincent decides to be randomly noble and sacrifice himself to save Heather...which ends up being pointless because Heather is discovered as fast as anyone playing through Metal Gear Solid their first time (!). She runs to the merry go round and it catches on fire like it did in her dream. Oh, didn't I tell you about that? Well no matter, it was pointlessly foreshadowed anyway. She meets her dark half, Alessa, and destroys her with the power of love by hugging her as Pyramid Head watches from the merry go round's middle section as they descend into a plot hole. !TXEN
Heather finds Claudia Wolfe (Carrie-Anne Moss), who is the current leader of the Order, the sister to Christabella from the first Silent Hill film, daughter of Leonard Wolfe and the mother of Vincent Cooper. Along with Claudia, she finds her father and Vincent, who are both restrained. Claudia gives some speech of birth of a god and other things seeming to be related to, but not at all relating to, Silent Hill. Heather gives a one liner and hands her the Seal of Megatron...whoops...I mean, Metatron, and Claudia transforms into the Missionary monster from the beginning of the movie that killed Douglas. Why? How? These are questions that would leave even Batman scratching his head. Then Pyramid Head shows up and fights the Claudia-Missionary monster, because Pyramid Head is a good guy! Why not!? Pyramid Head wins, flawless victory! The three confused humans go up to the surface because we don't want the audience questioning anything after that CGI battle of epic proportions, which puts the polar bear fight from the Golden Compass to shame...tch, hah! Anyway, Harry/Chris decides to stay in the town to look for his wife Rose (remember her from the first movie?) while Vincent and Heather decide to go home, because they need a happy ending. As they exit town, they're picked up by Travis Grady (who cares?...okay, fine...Peter Outerbridge), from Silent Hill Origins, and they bypass a police convoy heading to the town, which is a Silent Hill Downpour reference.
The End!
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Now I'll be fair, I have read about the hardships the movie suffered with the original Silent Hill movie's director and the writer leaving the project, which forced the director of the sequel (Michael J. Bassett) to write and direct the sequel himself. But, here's where I won't be as merciful: if you don't know what you're doing, then either hire someone who does or don't make your stupid movie.
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